living after the death of a baby, living with Autism, living as a family of six, living on our organic homestead, living miserably, hopefully, and with joy, and somedays just living

Posts tagged ‘play’

An Invisible Mom Named Erron

Tonight after tucking the kids into bed I came downstairs, and there on the coffee table was a tea party all set up, with a pot, plates, and snacks. Three place settings in all.  Looking up I asked Kyle:

“Were you and the girls having a tea party?”

His answer after some confusion then noticing the dishes was no.

I knew what Petra had been up to all day, and I also knew that Natalia had been playing by herself for a while.  I concluded it was Talia’s party and felt I should go talk with her about it.  We had just tucked them in, so I was fairly confident she wouldn’t be asleep yet, and I knew I wasn’t going to disturb the others because she’d been sleeping in the guest room because it gets more of the hall light, and as of late she’s become afraid of the dark (and of witches).

On entering the room I slipped under the covers to snuggle while I chatted with her softly.

Tea party for one or three?

‘Hey Tal? Where you having a tea party today?’

“Yeah” she quietly said.

“It looks like a nice party, I saw three plates and three cups and a pot of tea”

“And three cakes and a spoon”

“Yeah that’s right, Talia if you want you could ask mommy to come to your tea party sometime”

“Well, you were busy, and I was playing by myself ”

“Oh? maybe next time if you ask I can find some time, then you won’t have to play by yourself”

“There was an invisible guy there, and an invisible mommy too, named Erron”

Ughh an invisible mommy named Erron? My heart was suddenly washed with sadness.  Was I really so unavailable?  Was it really not even worth it to ask me to join her?  Do I say no too often? Was it easier to just pretend I exist?

I do value the ability for children to play on their own, I really do, I think it’s an essential skill.  That invisible mommy thing just kind of hit me hard.

In reflecting though, I’m glad that Natalia felt comfortable enough to tell me that she thought I was too busy.  I’m glad for teaching moments that teach me that tomorrow I need to make time for tea parties and more for tomorrows in the future.  Finally I’m touched that the imaginary mommy was named Erron because it means even if I wasn’t at that tea party I was desired to be there enough that I’m who Natalia imagines to be there.



So today was up, and down, but I think for a change I’ll tell you about the up.  Frustrated with a million things that needed to be done at home, I decide I need to get away.  The weather was super nice, so I said let’s go to the lake. The kids were somewhat stunned

“Right now?” asked Petra, “OKAY!”

We got our swimsuits and headed to a place where nothing needed to be done except play.  I tossed in some sand toys, and a change of clothes and off we went.  Normally I don’t go because I need to pack a million things, and it’s all too much, but today I decided we didn’t need all those things , but we did need a break.

When we got there, two other families were there, one couple, and one with one little girl, but they all left rather soon after we arrived. So we had the place to ourselves.

It all felt so easy, why didn’t we do this more?  The kids played in the sand and hauled water to fill rivers carved out in the sand built by other children, left for the enjoyment of mine.  They ran back and forth from the waters edge to the play ground, and back, and instead of hovering today, I let them free range.  Their play was a thing of beauty.  All of them playing together, they were queens, kings and princesses.  Each had their own horse that would carry them from the playground castle to the sea lake.  Elijah on Silver, Petra on Lovie and Natalia riding the sweetest little pony called princess.

Today during their perfect play I didn’t mourn the fact that one more pretend stead should lodge at the imaginary stables, nor was autism there. I simply drew in the wonder that is my life, the beauty, the light, the absolute perfection that rolled out before me.  I took off my shoes and laid down on the ground with Micah and sucked up every bit of healing energy from the earth below me, willfully drawing it in to replenish me.

Eventually the wind picked up and we felt it was time to go.  We picked up the mail, and headed home to a less perfect evening, but for a time today I wondered why everyone didn’t want to be me, because there was nothing in my life that was not just good, but  kissed by a divine golden light.

I wish I had thought to grab my camera my phone takes the world’s worst picture.