living after the death of a baby, living with Autism, living as a family of six, living on our organic homestead, living miserably, hopefully, and with joy, and somedays just living

About me

I left this empty for a very long time.  I hate ‘about me’ pages.  I open them, and look blankly at the screen.  What do people want to know about me?  What is there to know even?

Often pages like these tend to be somewhat bullet pointed:

Stay at home mother, by choice, to 4 awesome kids, attachment parent loving, Autism mom, blah blah blah, but you know all of that from the title

So, then there’s the flaky useless info, also often bulleted:

Born May 28 1978, Gemini, fun loving, chocolate addicted, blah blah blah, and I never know whether I should use the first or third person.

What I guess I can tell you is who I think I am most days, and who I aspire to be, and what this blog is here for. So here it goes.

This blog was born out of desperation to reach out and communicate with those I love.  After moving to Chicago to follow Kyle’s (my husband) career path I felt lonely and deeply isolated.  I resented having to move, and though I talked with friends back home, I never had the courage to unload how I was feeling with them over the phone.  In the days of being able to reach anyone anywhere, thanks to cell phones, and Skype, where you can now talk face to face over long distances, I loved the the shelter that speaking through type over a computer screen afforded me. I didn’t have to hear their reactions, or hesitations in their voices, or see it on their faces.  People could take my feelings, let them absorb for awhile, and formulate a comment. Or they could read it anonymously, and I would never feel rejected because I wouldn’t know if they read it, or not.

My blog became a place to vent, and be introspective.  I think you get a lot of the real me here.  Who is that?  Well, you decide by browsing the posts.  I can tell you I have been truly whittled to my current self from my experiences.  My most challenging ones have been losing a daughter I loved so deeply, who’s beauty is still breathtaking even in memory, facing Autism daily by being the strongest and best mom I can to Elijah, the boy who came after Kate, the one who was supposed to help make it all better, having a largish family of four kids, five and under, moving internationally twice in two years, and working toward organic self-sufficiency on our hobby farm.

My interests vary over time, but you’ll find them in my posts.  Currently they are about nourishing and healing foods, discovering the best ways to manage Elijah’s quirks bio-medically, and through therapeutic means.  Knitting is my other therapy. Deep down I feel like I’m some sort of artist, and knitting lets me create some form of self expression in short mindless bursts.

Characteristically  I strive to be, and I would hope that my friends may agree that I succeed sometimes to be, first of all human, to care and love others, to be understanding, accepting, compassionate, non-judgmental, loyal, available, and  supportive.  To be the type of person you can confide in.  I long mostly to be comfortable in my skin, and like… no, LOVE, who I am.  Though a pessimist by nature I work at its overcoming by trying to force a sunny view.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, tune in for when it doesn’t, I tend to blog most when my world is going to shit.  I long to be open and opinionated, and not care about backlash, or what others think, but I am an un-overcomeable people pleaser, and my heart bruises easily.

I love when a post gets comments. I love them! I should work harder to comment on the blogs I read.  Offering up comments is a form of generosity.  I love knowing that, hey, you read my stuff, and you were either moved by it, agree with it, or you have something for me to think about.  You can disagree, but comments that are hurtful or defamatory, well, you should keep those to yourself,  and move on to other blogs that fit you better, where the writers are thick skinned.

If you can think of something you’d like to know about me, drop it in the comments box, and I’ll get back to you.


Comments on: "About me" (4)

  1. Anna Szechynski-tota said:

    I just read your blog, I am still really touched me,could have even been written by me…I am a mother of a wonderful girl with autism,and everything you said is so true,from the constant vigilance, to the worrying — to not being able to leave your child with even being (as was the case with my daughter) I was asked not to bring her back to a program as she was too ‘distracting’ for the other’s a daily struggle and sometimes heartache I find for myself when I can’t get an emotional responce from her,when I ask how was your day and she replies ‘my socks are pink’ it gets to you on such a gut-wrenching level I have to sometimes lock myself in the bathroom and cry uncontrolablly…. My heart goes out to you, as I cannot imagine losing a child, and my support (I guess just know that we are out there and there are people/parents who know exactly what you are experiencing raising a child with autism) I’ve had two near fatal incidences with my daughter as well– one was wandering off — and we too are on a busy street — the other was when I caught her literally at the last moment by her feet as she was hanging out her bedroom window waving and saying she’s going to fly down … I hear you, I empathize with and for you…God Bless, and take care !

  2. Raji Raman said:

    Your blog really touched my heart. I am going through a very similar thing. We lost our first son when he was a day old then had my next son – the one who should make the pain disappear and he has autism. We have had another little boy since then. I never comment on any websites as I don’t like to open up about myself, but I felt compelled to write.

  3. You are, quite possibly, one of my new favorite people. Two reasons:

    1. I just saw (and subsequently retweeted) your “Did you know October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death awareness month? I bet you know someone who’s heart still hurts. Give hugs.” tweet, and started following you on Twitter as a result.

    2. Admittedly, I skimmed your most recent blog entry but read this page carefully and immediately felt like you were someone who is probably just generally fantastic to know. I’m a mom of four too–with several special needs kids (one with very severe disabilities/is medically fragile)–and I admire your strong sense of self and your devotion to your family. It’s immediately apparent you are someone who has a lot of love to give.

    Thanks for the inspiration tonight.

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