living after the death of a baby, living with Autism, living as a family of six, living on our organic homestead, living miserably, hopefully, and with joy, and somedays just living

I am lucky, I really am, I have this amazing husband, but if there’s one thing he’s not, it’s romantic.   Seriously, we don’t celebrate Valentines Day, or our Anniversary in any sentimental way.  We’re too practical.

I know a friend who flew to Vancouver secretly, there and back in a day,  so he could present his bride with a blue Tiffany’s box on their wedding day.  I dream of stuff like this, but it’s not the stuff that Kyle is made up of.  Heck if we get in a big argument there aren’t even flowers when he gets home.  I can’t actually remember the last time I got flowers, it was either for my Anniversary, or Micah’s birth, but not both.  Even his flower choices are always practical, mixed bouquets because they last the longest, and cost less than roses.

When I was pregnant there was no way he’d ever make a craving run, and there was no sparkly present from a small box when I delivered our babies.  He is not with out his romantic gestures, while dating I did get a whole pile of roses once, and for our tenth anniversary I did get sapphires, though I really wanted a Parisian vacation, the sapphires where a delightful surprise.

He’s not a man of grand gestures, or public displays of affection, nor though, is he a burly man’s man. It’s just really easy for us to get caught up in the daily task of parenting, and forget that we are also a married couple.  Our needs take second place to those of our children.  We’re also in the thickest, most time intensive part of parenting.  Currently we have 4 kids, 5 and under.  It will ease over time and there will be more time for us, as our kids become more independent.  For now though, we can go a whole day without stopping to hug or kiss each other.

And despite all of this, despite, my wish for the husband strait out of a romantic comedy.  I believe I have a love greater than most.  I never worry that our love will fade, or that we may not make it.  I know we are solid.  In talking with some other women, many have  spoken of the relief of having their spouses go to work,  and on those blissful business trips.   Life is easier when he isn’t around for short spells some feel.   I, on the other hand, would prefer to have my husband home with me everyday.  I get the driving you crazy because he does things differently than me bit, because we have that same issue, but I still would rather look up from my incorrectly made lunch and see him across the table.

There was a time when we would languish in each others arms on the sofa for hours, and wake up with our bodies tangled together.  Now there are only brief moments on the couch together, and we never wake up  pressed against each other like two spoons, because some small person is invariably in between us.

We have been through some terrible things, things that split marriages apart for others.  We met at 17 and 19, and married young at barely 20 and 21.  We made it through living well below the poverty line while Kyle finished grad school, we came out the other side after the death of a child, we’ve dealt with stressful family dramas, we overcame an international move (twice), and we continue to persevere while parenting a sparkling boy with Autism, even though we believe very different things about the cause of it, and have had serious head butting issues on how best to treat it, and parent for it.

We’ve taken on each of these challenges as they come, one at at time.  We’ve faced each of them, we use them to strengthen our commitment to each other, and to love regardless of how empty life can seem.   We haven’t allowed the wedge, that can be driven between people, get to deep between us.  It sneaks in some times, and it can be difficult to remove, but we do.  The greatest part is, it’s a joint effort, we pull each other together, each of us, equality.

I know I am loved a great, deep and meaningful love, and that is an immense gift.  I live a, not always so happily ever after, fairytale romance.

Thank you Kyle for loving me, ever flawed, never perfect, but always in love with you.


Comments on: "Living A Romance, Not With A Romantic" (9)

  1. awe…that’s so nice! I can only pray to have the kind of love that the two of you have…and the peace that goes with it!

    love you both heaps!

  2. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by shaunguthrie, Erron Anderson. Erron Anderson said: Living A Romance, Not With A Romantic: […]

  3. Yup, I think yours and mine might have been cut from the same non-romantic cloth. That being said, I will take true, forever love over a box of chocolates and roses any day!

  4. Beautiful. And for the record, I rarely get flowers either 😉

  5. While you may not have that romance you see in movies or other couples you guys have one of the most rock solid marriages I’ve seen. THAT solid foundation is something a lot of people wish they could have in their own relationships.

    I know that Lindsay and I look towards your marriage as an example and have even talked about you guys and how successful you’ve been in your relationship. You guys have gone through a lot of adversities where some people would have just packed it in. That’s something to be proud of especially in a day and age where people just are not willing to work thinks out.

    You guys are an amazing couple.

  6. Hi~
    Someone retweeted about this post causing it to show up on my timeline. Our stories are painfully similar. I am the mom of 6 kids. My oldest son died when he was two months old. My two youngest boys have Autism. And your husband sounds very much like mine.

    I look forward to reading more.

  7. Erron, Ben is very similar to Kyle in many of the ways you described. I think the ‘romantic’ relationships only exist in the movies and in teenage girl’s imaginations. I have come to believe that the true romance comes with the love and support that only a partner can provide. The ablility to just be together and be perfectly content, even while not silent, or the inside jokes that last years. I love that Ben can hug me and know my mood in seconds, or that he knows just the right thing to say to get me to giggle. Grand gestures aren’t that important. It’s a combination of little things that count.

    And like your friend Shaun also said, I often look at your relationship as something to aspire to. Your triumph through adversity is truly remarkable. And I think that can qualifly as romance, even more so that a bouquet of roses.

  8. This is a beautiful post. I feel the same, we are not swept up in romance anymore either but we have endured loss and autism a million ups and downs in between and I still love my husband as much as the day we met. We may share some difficult circumstances but it is nice to know we both have great husbands to get through the tough times with.

  9. Lovely Erron. Very well said, and your thoughts resonate deeply with me. I was teary reading your post.

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