living after the death of a baby, living with Autism, living as a family of six, living on our organic homestead, living miserably, hopefully, and with joy, and somedays just living

Light it Up

Very little of this space has been dedicated to Katie lately.  It seems that after six years the horrible loss that once took my breath away, that filled every minute’s thought, has become just part of my story.  Dealing with Autism has an everyday appearance in my life, and so it consumes me more.  The fact is that Katie dying was a singular event, a horrible, life shattering, wish it had never happened, if only it could have been different, why God?, singular event.  Six years later I’ve lived through it, and I can be happy again.  I would have never thought that possible in the early days (month’s, years?), but it is, and I am grateful for happiness.  I’m not “over it”, as I suspect some would be relieved to hear me say, I’m simply 6 1/2 years through it.

Our darling Kate is thought of often, with joy more often these days, which is nice.  Tonight was Thanksgiving and she was missed.  I can only imagine how she would fit at our dinning room table.  Kyle and I spent some time talking about her this evening, and the truth is, had Katie lived we likely wouldn’t have the kids we have today, we wouldn’t live at this house, and even  our dining room table would be different too.  None the less, I like to imagine her as though she would have fit into this family,and this life.

October is Baby loss awareness month, October 15 is the international remembrance day for the same cause. So I think of her more often this month.  When I log on to facebook about half the people I “converse” with have an emblem for the cause as their avatar.  In fact about 1/2 of my friends, maybe more, have lost a baby, it’s a strong connector.

So whether you’ve lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death, or you know someone who has, it is a day to remember all the tiny people who hardly had any time on this Earth.  If you are reading this I’m asking you to light a candle for Katie, whether you knew her or not:

Everyone is invited to light a candle on October 15th at 7pm in ALL TIME ZONES.

If everyone lights a candle at 7pm and keeps the candle burning for a least 1 hour, there will be a continuous WAVE OF LIGHT over the entire world on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

For more information please visit

If you have lost a baby there is also a great site where you can post your picture as “The face of pregnancy and infant loss”  it also adds your baby(ies) name(s) to a wall of remembrance.  It is, of course, an American site with American stats, but is incredibly moving.

And hey if you are going to light, or lit a candle for Katie it would do my heart some good if you say so in the comments box.



Comments on: "Light it Up" (11)

  1. Mason and I will be lighting a candle in Katie’s honor and in honor of all the angels in heaven.

    Will be thinking of your beautiful family.


  2. connie tkachuk said:

    Of course I will light a candle for my perious Katie,I think of her and both of you often. Love always and forever Baba,(Mom).

  3. It is wonderful that you are at the point where you can think of Katie with joy (at times). I am happy too, busy with two very rambunctious boys. I wonder how you got to that point with Katie? I only think of Ella with profound sadness and longing. Someday? Not sure. I have read some interesting things lately. A writer wrote about not thinking about “closure” but about “opening”. Opening one’s heart to living and loving again. I like that.

    I will be thinking of Ella and Katie and all our babies in Heaven on October 15th and everyday.

    love Tara

  4. Erron and Kyle,

    I’ll be doing this for Katie and for all our babies. I really liked what you said–that you aren’t over it, just 6 years through it. I feel the same way but had never expressed it quite so perfectly.

    xo, Beth (OATH/AAHH)

  5. I will be lighting a candle for both of our girls. And your words ring so true for me right now, as I think what a miracle this new baby is– yet if Julie had lived, we likely wouldn’t have him. Can’t say I’m glad it happened because now we have Benji, or the reverse– it’s just something that is. Big hugs and lvoe to you guys.

  6. Thank you so much for sharing your loss so openly. We lost our baby 2 1/2 years ago and our lives have never been the same. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him and imagine exactly what he’d be doing if he were here right now. I don’t have a chance to speak about him much so I thank you again for letting me remember him once again. I’ll be lighting a candle for our lil grady, your precious katie, and all the other angels who touched our lives for too short a time . . . . hugs, adrianna

  7. We’ll have a candle lit in our home for Katie.

  8. Candles will be lit here for Katie…..your time zone and ours. huge hugs xoxo

  9. We will be in Humboldt tomorrow but Jacob lit a candle for Katie tonight (he actually lit it about 10 times because he kept “accidentally” blowing it back out). I think of Katie, and you, more than you would know…hugs and kisses to all of the kids…

  10. Will be lighting a candle for you and Kyle and your family, especially Katie, and telling the friends I’m with what I know of your story.

  11. […] it’s more than I thought. There are all of those from the comment section in my last post Light it up, but the word of mouth numbers I can’t count.  Everyone (well nearly) is on Facebook these […]

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