living after the death of a baby, living with Autism, living as a family of six, living on our organic homestead, living miserably, hopefully, and with joy, and somedays just living

Archive for July, 2010

tougher skin

I need more protection from my feelings.  I can’t stand that I’m so sensitive.   I’m constantly seeking out the approval of others.  Any sniff, glance, or scoff is soul searingly hurtful.

I have a big family, I have four kids under five, and one of them has autism which can make him socially awkward.

We don’t go out a lot, it can be a overwhelming,and it’s easier to have one of us go out and have one parent hang back with the kids at home.  Today that wasn’t possible.  We never eat out either, and today we did.  It was just the Costco food court, but as always, it was busy.  Elijah, Natalia, Micah and I sat down to wait for Ky and Petra to go order our food.  While we were waiting a lovely woman came over to chat.  She was very nice.  Elijah was playing ipod, and my hands were full with the baby, while Natalia whined about something I couldn’t quite figure out.  While trying hear Natalia, Elijah got up and went over to the table beside us, and said to a kid about 16-18, nice hat.  The guy sorta ignored him with a snooty look.  He had a white fancy baseball hat with black swirls, likely some ‘It’ brand name.  Elijah, not getting the brush off, turned and made eye contact by placing his face way too close, and said “I said nice hat” grabbing his hat. It hard to explain, but Elijah has this sing songy way of speaking, somewhat common to autistic kids and other developmentally delayed kids.  All off this happened too fast for me to get up, I did say to him, ‘”Elijah come back, don’t do that” , but it was too late, the kid snatched his hat back and, glared at Elijah with some intense hatred.  His parents looked over at me with disapproving faces, and the dad shoke his head at me. They got up and left.  A few steps away the kid took his hat off to inspect the brim to make sure Elijah hadn’t ruined it.

I hate this, I hate that in just a few minutes that people get to make some sort of judgment about me, my kid, my parenting, and come to the conclusion that we are either losers, or skipped parenting all together.  I really hate the you have too many kids looks and the comments that are thinly disguised as, you must really like a challenge, wow your hands are full, or best of all, you do know why that keeps happening right? (usually said when I’m pregnant or have a new baby)

It totally ruined my day.  It shouldn’t care, I really should shrug it off and leave it at the store.  But I can’t, I really work hard with E, and no one can see it.  I have very high expectations of my kids, I’m always on their case about manners and obedience, yet in a moment it all goes out the window.

I  wish I was less thin skinned. I just want to cry, and my tummy hurts from the oh so oily pizza that was my dinner.  So not worth the stop on so many levels.  From now on we’ll eat before we go.