living after the death of a baby, living with Autism, living as a family of six, living on our organic homestead, living miserably, hopefully, and with joy, and somedays just living

Archive for September, 2009

Gone

The wind is blowing the grass around the coops gently, the Quonset door is open, there is a set of Bocce balls on the lawn, abandoned, we don’t have enough people to play, there is a grasshopper habitat all set up under the tree and I have an incredible amount of counter space.  I could go on and on. It is so quiet it invites me to cry, just for the relief of the noise.  I didn’t expect to be so affected emotionally by the departure of the last of our friends.  So much of this weekend reminds me of what I have to work for now. Family friends.

When we moved, it was just an amazing relief to be closer to the family we love.  What most of us have never had to do since childhood, make new friends (which by the way was so much easier when we were kids) is the task at hand. Sure we’ve all made new friends, but when was the last time you made a new friend who wasn’t met through work, family, or a mutual friend.  I’ve learned that being close by isn’t enough.  I need to have some friends,  people to love,  people to love me, people to share the bonds of daily living with here.  I also know how essential it is that I gather new friendships for the sake of our kids.  They haven’t had the company of friendship since we left Chicago, and it was so amazing to see them interact, and shine with people their size, to play with others who get their play, and don’t tire of eating the same pretend food.  Little people with the same limitless supply of energy to chase, run with, explore, and play.

Perhaps, why I’m so emotional at everyone’s leaving today is that there is no date to look forward to when I’ll get to be with friends again, or when my children will have the gift of other children to play with.  I need to make that happen now.  I need to seek out new friendships with people who have something in common with me.  I need to find people I like, and who’s values mesh with mine, I need to get to know them, and they need to get to know me.  I will tell my life story to many and work towards finding a compatible friend. I will be rejected and accepted eventually, but there will be no history, no common connection, no friend to introduce us because they think we’d really like each other.  Yuck.

My  friends have left to go back to the lives they have built, where they are employed, and have friends outside of this circle.  They will go back to what is established.  So I am sad today because I am reminded that now I must build an establishment for me, for the kids, and it would be so much easier if I didn’t have to.

It’s cool today, as thought we used up the last of the warmth, in our enjoyment and camaraderie of the weekend.   I have not felt such joy and delight in quite sometime, and I hadn’t even realized that it was missing