living after the death of a baby, living with Autism, living as a family of six, living on our organic homestead, living miserably, hopefully, and with joy, and somedays just living

Archive for August, 2009

Happiness is..

Picture two little naked cartoon people at my farm.  SO the moving sucked, it really is a big job for a family of five to move all of their stuff, especially when three of them can’t really do any good helping, but are marvelous at getting in the way,  and the other grown up is pregnant, and can’t lift anything heavier than a toddler.  Add to that two days of rain and it pretty much blows goats.  But It’s all done, just little bits, and some organizing to do.  Really we shouldn’t be this happy.  We need to replace our boiler (read 8k plus), the crap roads during the move destroyed the van tires and we needed new ones, there’s a leak in the roof and the repair man is slipperier than an eel to track down, we need to pay for a fence and a deep freeze, but MAN are we happy!!

It really is heaven here.  You wake up and it’s quiet, so quiet.  When I look out my window I see my yard, not my neighbors siding.  The kids run around the mowed paths with the kind of joy that you can’t help but smile at.  There’s a 60+ year old apple tree at the back with perfectly spaced branches for climbing, and going 5 km behind the tractor has the kids giddy.  The air is clean, and the house is beautiful.  Seems that I couldn’t have asked for anything more.  The house is big and the upstairs attic loft keeps the kids so busy playing, that it along with all our outdoor exploring, has meant that some days the TV doesn’t get turned on.  Kyle and I’s happiness has made us better parents, more easy going, and so we have better kids, they have been so good lately playing together and behaving.

There are of course some down sides, we have quite a few gravel trucks pass by during the day, not so many that you notice the traffic, but do they ever stir up dust.  Our TV room needs to be dusted daily.  Every morning I must pick up 10 or so moths that have found there way in and flush em, along with tossing Sally any indoor crickets I find.  Okay so I live in the country, I best get used to the bugs right?  Here’s the thing.  The two things in this world I’m afraid of are tornadoes, don’t even kid about ’em, and grasshoppers.  The tornado fear I think is a rational fear,  the grasshoppers even I know better.  What are they gonna do eat me?  But somewhere deep in my brain I can’t shake it, even though I know better.  There  must be a million, no two million, of them out here.  The path to the Quonset must be the worst, it’s like the red sea parting as you walk along (typing this I can feel my face contorting in disgust) they hop to each side and in front of you.  The other day I was taking the girls in the wagon when one jumped on Petch, she started screaming, and honestly I wanted to scream more than anything, I told her it was okay, and that they don’t bite or hurt you, and she was fine with it, I on the other hand still wanted to scream,  and I had to brush the darn critter off of her.

If you’re coming to our campout, I can’t wait to share it all with you!  If you can’t make it I look forward to the chance to share it with you later.  When things are this good you just want to spread it around.



4 days to go

So it’s over.  I didn’t mean to drop off at the end like that.  I have to say I feel good about my contribution, I don’t think any of my blogs were filler. I thought them through, during the day.  In fact I have a few more blog ideas floating around in my brain.  I think from here forward I might be more inclined to blog more often.  All in all, I think Kyle was the only one not to miss a single day (let me know if I’m wrong Shaun), I didn’t come close to that, nor Cliff like word counts, but I think if trophies were to be handed out, I would still get the standard participation one.  My awesomeness factor still went up.

I learned a little about all of you, how to play WoW (a bit), that gaming posts require a lot of words, pictures and effort.  I learned that Shaun is a stickler for the rules, but has become less reserved to try new things.  I learned that there are things that go on with Kyle that he doesn’t always share. I learned that new Dads are as mushy as new Moms.   I learned that even when friends piss each other off, a good rant, and an apology clears everything right up. I learned that folks, who I thought would skip my blogs altogether, did read, and left me some amazing comments.

This was fun, this was good, I would do it again, I would fail again, but it would be fun.

Loved reading your blogs folks, keep it up, as best you want.

Oh and if you missed it at the top. 4 DAYS TO GO!!!

Fine wine, a good cheese, and all that

Whew 4 days without posting?  Not that I’m apologizing 🙂 Basically if I’m having a really good time,  I’m not blogging, I’m enjoying life too much, or I’m sick.  This was supposed to go up yesterday, but if you follow both Kyle and I’s blogs you know I had a vomiting migraine yesterday, and after an attempt to post I finally surcame to the glare of the monitor, and decided I couldn’t finish this post, or even edit what I had, so here it is today.

This past weekend we went to Alberta for my Nephews birthday.  We were to head to Sylvan Lake on Friday, but things came up, and it seemed best logistically to stay in Edmonton Friday, and drive to SL on Saturday. Well in the end things fell though, and we ended up staying in Edmonton anyway.  Which was good because with a bunch of kids you never get out of the house on time.  James and Janine, very last minute, put us up.  We arrived late, and then stayed up very late talking.  Not really catching up though,  just talking laughing, and going on as though we just saw each other the other day.  The best thing about good friends is that even after a long time, you can just pick up where you last left off.  I love reconnecting friendships, because the foundation is already there, you already know you like each other, you know which topics to avoid, and you don’t have to spend ages discovering what you have in common, trying to find the things that may glue your friendship together.

Saturday we spent the day in SL for the birthday, and headed back to Edmonton that night so we could spend some time shopping and visiting with the Mellings the next day.  We missed them so much, but life has been very busy for Kelly, and since he is very bad at staying connected, we worried that things might be awkward, perhaps even that they were ready to let the friendship go.  But it took next to no time at all, minutes maybe, to feel that same sense of picking up where we last left off.  Sure they have a baby now, and they hadn’t seen Natalia, but it was like we never left, as though those two years melted away, and the ties that bind where all that was left.  We found ourselves pushing back our departure time waiting until the last possible minute to leave.

There are friendships that haven’t faired the two years so well, but generally they didn’t have the history that others have.  Some good friends seem more the Christmas card type friends, that the  call when I’m in town type.

I know I have good friends in Chicago that will easily fit in the same category, as good friends here.  I know when I visit next year I’ll have places to stay, and conversations long into the night that will be less about catching up, and more about picking up where we last left off.

I have nothing to do on the internet

Since moving home.  I find myself checking my computer way more often than I need to.  You see when I lived in Chicago (and yes I miss it so) I had all sorts of reasons to check the internet.  Some of my favorite stores would send me coupons, those store aren’t in Canada, and if they are, they’re not in Saskatoon.  Museums and Aquariums sent me upcoming events, and Open Table kept me informed about new restaurants, even if we hardly ever dinned out.  My MOPS group sent me info on upcoming meetings, and individual Moppers would send out emails to evening events, or weekend playdates.  More of my friends used email as a quick unobtrusive way of communicating.

And then there was Amazon.  I knew I was going to miss Amazon.  I did a lot of Amazon shopping,  no looking through the store to find the item you need, free shipping, and they had nearly anything you could need, from environmentally friendly cleaners, clothes, books, toys, to a terrific selection of GFCF foods.  And shipping was super fast generally 4 days from order to my doorstep, yes right to my door, often less, in November and December items came the next day.

I often open my browser check on Facebook, read yesterdays blogs (which thankfully are plenty) and then check my Gmail.  Seems nothing is going on these days.  And many of the sites I used to waste my time on I don’t bother with anymore, shipping to Canada is unavailable, or prohibitavly expensive, not to mention the duty I must pay once it arrives to my post office for me to pick up. Plus waiting weeks for a package is not worth it.   I just paid 27.00 dollars to have an Elmo doll sent from Fisher Price, because it was unavailable in Sakatoon or canadian websites.  The doll was 39.99!

What to do when one has nothing to do. Blog.


As if my day hasn’t been going swimmingly as it is.   This afternoon I get the notion that I may have an UTI.  Normally I would wait and see if I still felt this way tomorrow, but I’m pregnant, and it’s one of those things in pregnancy they warn you to be careful of.  Now not only am I annoyed by the UTI, but also by the fact that I don’t have a family doctor, so I’ll have to find some doctor taking patients today, and I’m also annoyed because my health card hasn’t arrived yet, so I’m going to have to pay for the appointment.  Actually I tried to call to see if the number has been issued, and to get it orally over the phone, but when I called, after going through the automated menu, I get the “our call center hours are 8am to 4:30 pm” message.  A quick glance at the clock reveals that it is in fact 4:34.  Grrr…  But before I head out to the doctors or even  look for one, I call the Midwifery clinic where I’ve registered to be a patient, but am still waiting for them to call me to set up my first appointment.  I figure if I tell them I’m waiting for an appointment, and that we’ve just moved and have no family doctor they might see me.  No.

So I find a clinic, explain I have no health care, and then see the doctor, who asks how pregnant I am.  Now I’m not really sure, so I say around  10-11 weeks.  He then goes on to when the date of my last period was, and starts to do some strange calculating out loud, using his fingers to count the weeks.  None of this has any bearing on whether I have a UTI or not.  Sure it matters that I’m pregnant, but really does the dating need to be precise, to the day? At the end he informs me I’m more like 11-12 weeks than 10-11. Thanks?! Just dip my pee already and write me a script.

Done, I go out to the reception to pay, and they inform me they don’t take debit or credit.  I have no cheques yet from our new bank, and they were closing, so I couldn’t run out and come back with payment.  Now I have to go in tomorrow to pay for the appointment that has been a headache since the beginning.  ANNOYING!

The Raving Lunatic within

It comes up, every now and then, that I give off the impression of being infinity patient and long fused.  I don’t know where that image comes from. Perhaps, it’s my conscious attempt to keep the fiery tempered me concealed.  I once was so infuriated I threw a stack of bowls only for the satisfaction of seeing them smash into a million pieces.  Being tempered glass the pieces were near a million.

This isn’t to say I love raving and shouting, I don’t, I hate it.  I always feel so pulled apart afterward, ashamed, I couldn’t keep it together.  My mother used to shout, so often going off on crazy tangents, that we just stopped listening.  I don’t want to be the crazy yeller.

Today I hit my limit.  I called Kyle at work and shouted until I had made my point 4 or 5 times over.  The kids kept to themselves playing in the other room.  Even at this age there’s a sense of  “Don’t go in there Mom’s hit the crazy button”.  Finally Kyle and I come to some sort of agreement, or a least a recognition of my frustration.  I win the argument.  I should feel better, and I do.  But I lose, because my kids have seen an example I would rather not set.  Oh, and can I see the same temper in Petra, whew.

I wish I could tame the fire that blazes within me, and licks at my throat until, hot angry words escape wildly scalding the one who must hear them.

The Professor’s Wife

I can’t wait until the 15th.  You know that. But I wish September would never come.

Kyle is at work in the afternoons these days, but we still have an amazing amount of flexibility. I can make appointments, and not have to worry about Kyles schedule because he can go in late, or come home early if he needs to.

I’ve been through the first semester of a new job once before, and I know it means long hours, and that I do the majority of the parenting, while he figures out how the class needs to be run. I dread it, even though Kyle placates me with the notion that having been though it once before we’ll better manage.

When we were in Chicago work was 80 hour weeks, perhaps more.  Kyle would get up get ready, pour the kids their cereal, and leave.  He would come home just as dinner was being served, help with bedtime, and then retire to his office to work until after midnight most nights.  As a family we were broken.  We got two or so hours a day together, and no time just the two of us.   Our marriage suffered terribly, there where months where we literally had nothing nice to say to each other.  I can say I easily hated him at times.

When he came around to teaching the same courses a second time around, it really did get better, but Kyle, being a perfectionist, still tweaked his slides more than I thought was necessary.

We’re lucky, we really are.  Kyle gets an amazing amount of time of over the holidays and through the summer.  It’s nice, in the time when we’re a two stay at home parent family things run so much better.

This summer is nearly a wash,  just as two summers ago was, moving eats up so much of the time you would otherwise spend leisurely.  But last summer was great.  Really, really great.

When we’re all together it feels like it will never end.  It’s sunny even when it’s cloudy.

There is a down side to this lifestyle, and it’s the transitions.  For any family going from having one stay at home parent, to two, it takes some adjustment.  The rules change, expectations change, even when we eat lunch, and what we eat can change.  For most kids this is hard, but for Elijah this can take weeks to adjust to, and then we have a whole new adjustment period when Kyle leaves, only this one is worse, and I’m left to deal with it single handedly.

Summers are golden and Septembers are dreaded, but, new school, new class, new lecture Septembers, are dreaded with misery and scorn.  Pray my friends that this is our last New School September.