living after the death of a baby, living with Autism, living as a family of six, living on our organic homestead, living miserably, hopefully, and with joy, and somedays just living

The Far Away Girl

So okay I’m feeling sorry for myself again, although I’m not seeking pity, really.  Just need a place to jot down how I’m feeling, I guess.  Close the office door and cry a bit.

There is so much going on, and I speak to people so rarely that the ‘whats new?’ question is so big and complicated that I just don’t have the energy to get into it most times.  Today I think I’m just a bit lonely I really needed to go home this summer spend time with my friends, and catch them up on my life, and introduce them to my family.  Since the truth is we’ve all changed so much, very few of you know us any longer.  But the thought of a car ride headache ridden with a little boy who has a hard time adapting feels torturous to me, and I imagine it would be the same for Elijah, and flying is out of the question for us.  So were staying home, which was a relief and a heartbreak.

I’m missing so much of peoples lives it’s a bit painful I try not to think about it too much, what I’m missing that is, but the truth is this time  seems the most pivotal, things are happening, peoples lives are not just changing, but are more are less forming into new paths, and I’m not on it.  I know I’m missed and thought of often, but I’m not there.  I hear about new loves and babies that have been lovingly created,and I am full of joy at the news of it, but I’m missing seeing bellies swell with babies and getting to know the ones my friends are falling in love with.

It’s strange to think that though we are loved there is no one here to love us.  I have made one great friend and I am so grateful, she is lovely and kind, and I know she loves us, I just wish my kids could have the family, that is our friends, in their lives.

I miss summer get togethers in various back yards, Christmas Dinner, New Years parties, games nights, and the opportunity to help out with the things most of you have generously given us, help moving, painting or work on home improvements.  I miss Canadian playgrounds, swimming pools, hospitality, and Canadian air.  We love Chicago, the museums (oh the museums, wow!), downtown and mild winters, but we hate living in the USA.  We’re trying to get home, Kyle is applying for all kinds of jobs, and so I’m pressed under the stress of picking up and moving again and the thought of being stuck here.

I’m afraid that Kyle’s job is going to be listed this winter,  and he won’t be rehired which would essentially force us out of the country to try and sell our empty house of diminishing value from Canada.  I’m also afraid that we won’t find a job in Canada, he will be rehired and we’ll be forced to struggled with the education system here, the immigration issues that we have been avoiding, and whether I’ll ever be able to work again, or be forced to live within the confines of Kyle’s salary that would be 50% higher at home ( I can’t praise Canada’s education system enough now that we’re here, both their public schools and post secondary)

I love Kyle more than I ever thought I could love, but picking up and leaving to follow someone else’s dream is truthfully a bit difficult.  I would do it again in a minute and a second time if he asked, no regret, it’s just a tough thing to do.  I’m not sure I will ever get to finish school here, nor am I sure I want to work in US health care.  I feel suspended like cabbage in a Christmas gelatin salad…solid but worbbly.  I know who I am more these days and what I want, but I’m stuck as to how to play it all out.

We’ve talked a lot about Alberta’s economy and markets back home, but here it is a palpable feeling. It’s hard to explain you have to experience it.  Things are tough here no one wants to buy anything, houses sit on the market for close to, or over a year, and it is apparent that people are fearful.  If you buy a house you worry you paid too much, and if you’re selling you feel like you’ve been robbed.

I’ve tried to fill my time a bit, with kiddie gymnastics, playgroups, working as a volunteer for Birthright Chicago, trying to talk women out of abortions and find them the help and services they need to carry their babies to term, taking the kids to the aquarium, to the museum and on other  outings, but in in the end I just feel busy, not fuller, nor have I really met anyone though these endeavors.  It’s like trying to break into high school clicks allover again.

And so I think I’ll try and wrap up a bit here, I may have found that I have nothing more to moan about, though you may want to check back in five minutes for the blog entitled “oh and another thing”.  I’m not sure how often I’ll post here, and I’ll likely cause some people frustration over the fact that my entries are likely to be sporadic, but who knows I may keep it up.  Just keep checking in without expectation.  In the end it doesn’t really matter if anyone reads this. I guess it’s good to just jot it out.

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Comments on: "The Far Away Girl" (4)

  1. awe buddy…you’re breaking my heart 😦
    I wish I could move there and keep you company! We could scrapbook all day and play with the kids…how does that sound?!?! quickly find me an american to marry and I’m there 🙂
    I love you!

  2. Oh Erron….I cry for you……stay strong as I know you are. Your time will come. Live in the present. I know you are wanting/looking for answers but this will only wear you down. Thinking of you often.
    Love Evelyn

  3. Ugh, what a tough post to read. It’s heartbreaking to hear how sad you are Erron. I wish I could do something, wave a magic wand a fix everything so you didn’t have to go through all this tough stuff. I love you lots and miss you lots and I hope things start to look up for you soon!

  4. […] just re-read my very first post The Far Away Girl I wish more of my posts were like it.  Not the sadness, I’m glad to be over that, but it is […]

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